Fanfic


Nowhere Dog

by Tony Myles

Author's Note:

"Nowhere Dog" is a story loosely based on the former UPN "Nowhere Man" series.  It was written not merely as a satire, but to provoke thought about who we all are versus who we were meant to be.

As you will read in the last episode of "Nowhere Dog," we all have to face the question someday of who are Creator is, let alone how we choose to respond to this fact - whether or not we will choose to run away, or face the identity by which we have been born with.

Serious stuff intermixed with some light-hearted fun.

In the meantime, enjoy the adventures of "Nowhere Dog."

Tony Myles

 

My name is Newt, or at least it was. I'm a German shepherd.  I had it all. A kind master, Tom, doggy friends, a chew toy.   And in one moment it was taken away.  All because of a single milk bone ... I ate it... they want it... and they'll do anything short of worming me to get it back.... I'm marking my trail to prove that these things are true...  I know they are...  They have to be.... 

I pad along, snuffling, searching, sniffing for the next scent trail .... waylaid by the occasional cat... ever since that fateful visit to the fire hydrant... I find there are more dogs in darkness than I ever realized....

Episode 1:

(intro - voiceover)  My life has become a mere fragment of the way I remember it.  Then, again, I basically have a short-term memory.  It's been said that you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  I've never heard anything said about young or middle age dogs... that gives me an edge.

Recently, I made an ally in the Organization that has been following me... a former dog catcher gone soft.  But before I could file his scent into my head, he was snatched up by a "net" big enough for a St. Bernard.  He did leave me some old tags that he got off of some old "catches."  I've been trying to track them down, but find it difficult because I can't read. 

Things have become unbearable for me, lately.  I'm thinking of just giving up the milk bone because I'm tired... alone... and in heat.  But if I do surrender myself, I surrender my freedom.  And so I press on... looking for any clues that may lead me to an answer... or a hot poodle.

Episode 2: 

(intro - voiceover)  Spring time.  Soon the weather will be warm, but I fear the cool wind will still blow my way.  I've been on the run for some time now, yet I'm feeling the pressing in of the dog catchers.  Although things probably couldn't get any worse, I know  they soon will with the approaching of flea season.  Oh, I long for the old days when someone would give me a Hartz flea bath and scratch behind my ears. 

Recently, I've tracked down a lead to a local humane society.  There's a rumor that they're performing operations there that completely change a dog's outlook on life.  Something about "spading" or "neutering"... I wish I knew what all of that meant, but it sure doesn't sound "humane."  I've heard some dogs try to talk about it, but they just "freeze up" towards the end - too painful, I guess.   In order to get some of life's essentials, I've taken a job as a "seeing eye dog."   Sure, I know nothing about the job, but they guy with the cane doesn't seem to notice.  Besides, he never says anything when I make a mess on the rug. 

In the meantime, I've been keeping a close eye on the humane society... waiting... watching... and hearing the screams of fellow canines.  It's times like this that I wish I didn't have advanced hearing.  {scratch, scratch}  Oh no... the fleas are early!  It's started... 

[fade to opening credits]

FINAL Episode:

 (intro - voiceover) "Things are pretty hectic right now.  I'm feeling run down - it feels like every year I age seven times more than I should.  Go figure."

"I've tracked my "adversaries" down to their headquarters.  It's taken me a long time to get this far, but I made it.  The air is humid, the sun is hot, and there seems to be a lot of noise on the inside of the gates.  The gate itself seems to be a metal construct with bars that rotate as each human passes through.  There seems to be a "fee" involved.  Let's see how far I can get this time..."

SCENE 1: THE GATE

(Newt approaches the "cashier")
NEWT: Woof!
CASHIER: Yes, may I help you?
NEWT: Woof! Woof!
CASHIER: You say you want to enter?  You need to pay first, sir.
NEWT: (pause) Woof.
CASHIER: I'm afraid that just won't do.  And you'll need to clean that up before you leave.
NEWT: Woofever.
CASHIER: Have a nice day, sir!
{VOICEOVER: "I soon found that this was going to be harder than I thought. Perhaps that service entrance would work."}

SCENE 2: Service entrance

(Newt approaches the service entrance.  Quickly, he is grabbed by thugs and dragged into a darkened room.  They tie him up as he struggles...)
NEWT: (growl) Woof!  WOOF!
DARKENED FIGURE: (from the corner of the room) Come now, that isn't necessary, is it?
NEWT: Woof!
DARKENED FIGURE: (lighting a cigar) Please, "Newt", you can drop the charade.  We all know you can really talk. NEWT: (pause) Oh really, and just how long have you known that?
DARKENED FIGURE: Really now, we know EVERYTHING about you.
NEWT: Oh, really?
DARKENED FIGURE: (blows smoke) Yes, REALLY.  Ask us HOW.
NEWT: Fine, HOW?
DARKENED FIGURE: Sorry, I'm not going to tell you that.
NEWT: But you just told me to ask you...
DARKENED FIGURE: Come now, Newt.  Do you always do what people ask you to do?
NEWT: Umm, no.
DARKENED FIGURE: Which is precisely why you're in this little mess, huh?
NEWT: (exasperated) Okay, you want the milk bone, right?  Why?
DARKENED FIGURE: Do you REALLY think that's what we want?
NEWT: Well, what DO you want?
DARKENED FIGURE: (blows smoke in Newts face)  You.
NEWT: (growls) I don't think so.
DARKENED FIGURE: Oh, but you have no choice in the matter.
NEWT: What is this all about?
DARKENED FIGURE: "Newt" - do you know where you are?
NEWT: Some darkened room.
DARKENED FIGURE: Think beyond that.
NEWT: Some kind of theme park?
DARKENED FIGURE: Precisely.  "Newt" - you are at the "happiest place on earth."
NEWT: (howls) You don't mean...
DARKENED FIGURE: I DO... "Newt" - you are at...
NEWT: (howls)
DARKENED FIGURE: DISNEYWORLD!!!!
NEWT: (howls LOUDER)
DARKENED FIGURE: (hearty laugh)
NEWT: (trying to gather himself)  Who... are... you?
DARKENED FIGURE: You know very well who I am.  Think hard...
NEWT: NO!
DARKENED FIGURE: YES!
NEWT: (pause) Uncle... Uncle Walt?
WALT DISNEY: (emerging from the darkness) Precisely. (blows cigar)
NEWT: But you're... dead!
WALT DISNEY: And you're a talking dog.  Roll with it.
NEWT: This isn't happening.
WALT DISNEY: Oh, but it IS!  "Newt" - do you know who you are?
NEWT: "My name is Newt, at least is was.  I'm a German shepherd..."
WALT DISNEY: Can the intro stuff!  Take a good look at yourself, "Newt."
NEWT: (pauses, looks himself over) No...
WALT DISNEY: Look at yourself, "Newt."
NEWT: NO!!! 
WALT DISNEY: Or should I say... "GOOFY!"
NEWT/GOOFY: NO!!!! "Hu-hu-hu-huh!" ("Goofy laugh")
WALT DISNEY: You wanted to be a real dog so bad that you left the park.   Well, now you're back.  And you're staying.
GOOFY: NO!  "I had it all. A kind master, Tom..."
WALT DISNEY:  You mean, "Mickey"
GOOFY: Mickey Mouse?
WALT DISNEY: YES!
GOOFY: That WOULD explain the big ears...
WALT DISNEY: It's time to go home, Goofy.  (he turns on a TV that's playing a cartoon.  Goofy begins to get sucked into the cartoon...)
GOOFY: Nooooooooo...... {Camera pans out of the room as Goofy gets sucked into the set.  It goes beyond the gate, and onto the accompanying road, focusing on a sign that reads, "Welcome to Disneyworld - 'The Happiest Place on Earth' "}

 - END -

 ______________________________________________________________________________

And so it ends.  For all of you on the "road to nowhere", I hope this satisfies. In this scenario, THEY were Disney.  In Larry Hertzog's scenario, the situation might very well be the same.  What about you?  What will the outcome be when you stand before your Creator, someday?  Will you find out who you really are then, or are you willing to begin that search now?